My longest girlfriend

I have a friend that i’ve been friends with since somewhere around 5th grade.  Maybe younger? We went through jr high and high school….with the same group of people….not super close. Just sort of on the fringes of each others group of friends.  We interacted….we know each others stuff, we did things together…but you wouldnt have caught just us two hanging out then.  Post high school: we bonded. I’m not sure when or why….I couldnt even tell you when it happen.  She probably could, she’s got a better memory. Regardless, we did bond.

From that point, we vacationed at each others houses, we talk on the way to work, we call each other when we need to process everything from work interactions to husband problems. She’s the person I call when I cant quite remember someone from high school, and she’ll remind me that “they hung out with that other guy with the huge hat, that dated the girl who played basketball?” and i’ll remember.

She’s the only person, other than my husband, who can finish my sentences and know “what I mean, not what I say!” She is the only one, besides my husband, who can anticipate my reaction to something before it happens.  She knows my family, my history, my current life, my growth, my setbacks, my marriage. She holds my memories and she is someone I can count on to participate in my future. I hope I hold all those places in her life as well.

Even though, since high school, we have never lived within 500 miles of each other, she is the person I know is committed to being in my life forever (without the marriage).  I love her. I’m so glad I have her.  Thanks for being there for me, bonna. I love you.

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A moment of awakening

I was watching Dr. Oz the other day (btw – I don’t recommend this. He’s a total quack. However, we don’t have cable and for some reason I was vegging out in the middle of the day) and he had on this “contestant” (see what I did there? ’cause he’s a quack) who felt she had a salt “addiction”.

She spent the next 15 minutes showing a diary of how much she loved salt. She drank pickle juice – sometimes in the middle of the night – she ate chips two or three times a day, and she had about 20 KINDS of salt in her cupboard (yeah, I know. I didn’t know there were 20 kinds of salt either!).

Then Dr. Quack…I mean Oz tells her that the recommended daily allowance for someone on blood pressure rx (she was) was 1/2 a teaspoon. She was eating an average of 10 teaspoons a day. So, he checks hormones and thyroid and for anemia….and everything is normal. He checks electrolytes and mineral deficiencies and finds nothing amiss. So, he asks her; “why do YOU think you eat so much salt?”

This pickled woman said something I hope to never forget. She said, “I don’t know. I guess I have it as a reward. A treat.”

A reward? A treat?

She’s treating herself 40 times a day. She is rewarding herself 280 times a week. It was so eye opening to me. I think that is how it starts, you know? You think you are getting a treat. But then you are treating yourself all the time. And….if we look at what a “treat” or a “reward” is…..its suppose to be RARE. Occasional.

AND…how is giving yourself high blood pressure and bloating yourself with salt intake a REWARD? A treat? feeling swollen and lethargic? How do we do this to our bodies? How do we spin this so that its a good thing?

I hope I always remember that comment. I hope I am choosing rewards and treats that are rewarding and make me feel good. For the LONG run. Treats that don’t have consequences.

And I hope that for you too!

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10 years

I’ve never met anyone who can love like you. I’ve never had anyone put me and US first – always. No questions asked and with no hesitation.

Someone, upon hearing about our anniversary, asked me if I still loved you as much. It made me pause.

I remember thinking (before we were married, when we lived 1000 miles away from each other) that the world could come down on my head….and I wouldn’t care as long as I could just feel your touch. Your skin on my skin. Literally nothing else mattered.

I don’t feel that way anymore because I’m lucky enough to have that every day.

I don’t go to bed at night imagining your arms around me but, instead, I think of calling you sobbing because i’m emotional and someone said something mean to me. I think of you “talking me down” and reminding me that none of that stupid stuff matters. That its just a bad day.

I think of you, when I have a deadline coming up with school, saying “how can I help?”

I think of you not removing your shoes when you get home from a 12 hour shift at work because you know i’m tired and the dog will need to be walked before dinner.

I think of you working long hours, coming home and doing homework to better yourself and our life, and still loading the dishwasher (okay, that’s because you think I load it wrong), putting the dinner away, or taking out the trash.

I love you…..deeper… than I ever have.

Is that more? Is that just different but equal? I don’t know….but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My best friend, my biggest supporter, my protector, my confidant, my heart, my strength, my reality check, and my gentle touch. I wouldn’t be half the person I am without you. I Love us. I love you. Thank you…for all you do. For choosing me. For continuing to choose me. For putting the work in that needs to be done to keep our marriage the type of marriage they write books about.

The wife.


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Nov. Thankful; day two.

My husband’s touch.  He touches my skin and the warmth melts me. I cannot imagine life without it.

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November Grateful list. Day One.

I try to stay grateful all the time…but November is a wonderful time to post about it.

I’ve got to say that I am grateful, today, for my age. I feel, as I get older, that i’m really settling into my body, my spirit, and the person I was born to be. Its interesting because I remember turning 30. I cried for a week before hand. I was MISERABLE. I’ve recently turned 36 and I am pretty excited about getting closer to 40.

A good portion of that could be that at 30 I was in a job I hated, commuting 3 hours a day, was in debt over my head and had no purpose other than getting through the day/week/month/year. Now i’m doing something, carer wise, that gives back. I’m challenging myself with school, I feel purpose and importance. I’m healthier, I’m smarter and I LIKE myself a whole lot more.

Today, i’m grateful for how I feel in my own skin.

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We are going to costco. … thought it was best to eat first.


Salad roll appetizer


Garlic soup that I gave to gary


Pad something.  Good stuff


That’s all I could eat.

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Vanilla Shakeology with almond milk, pineapple, and green grapes.


Not too bad.

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Sending the fairly inactive blog into a new direction (not nude erection!). I’m going to post pictures of what I eat. 

This was my am snack,


And this was my lunch


And this was my pm snack


It was soup.  I was hungry.

Breakfast was a shakology mix with almond milk, pineapple, and strawberry.  So good!

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I think I love my dog too much

A long time ago (maybe 5 years ago), in a land far far away (Hillsboro), Gary and I were under a few false impressions. One false impression was that if we went through the fertility process; we would have a baby. The second false impression was that we WANTED a baby, but that’s another blog post.

I went on fertility meds. What people don’t understand (unless they have done this nightmare of a thing called infertility) is that EVERY. DAY. is something. Its either a day you take a pill…or a day you count UNTIL you take a pill….or a day you are waiting to test to see if you ovulated and or / are have a pregnancy….or a day you have sex….or a day you WAIT to have sex. You think about this shit all the f-ing time!!!! Its highly emotional. AND THEN, we add hormones on TOP of that. I was a wreck. It was slowly driving me truly CRAZY.


My Pup….who at the time was ACTUALLY a pup….was pretty close to me. I loved on her like a I was planning on loving on our baby. And I was on fertility meds. Dogs are rather intuitive, dont you think?

My dog, and I think this is based on the RX I was on, decided she was pregnant. Her little teets started filling up with milk. It was the grossest / most interesting thing I had ever seen. The great and powerful Google told me that this was called a ‘false pregnancy’ and that at some point, she would “have” the baby and adopt a toy as that baby. Freakin weird, right?

It wasnt too long after that when we decided that maybe I needed to take a break from the fertility cycle, which ended our quest for a baby totally. Tiqi never did “have” the fake baby….but our favorite party trick was to turn her over and squeeze the little milk out of her teets.

Back Camera

Yep, we are fascinated by gross and weird things. Probably another reason we were destined not to have offspring.

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School and all it does to me

Have I mentioned how scared I am to not finish school? Or to not do good in school? Or to run out of money? Or that i’m wasting my time in school? Yep….all of that is true.

However, I will say that school makes my brain feel alive (and sometimes makes my brain feel dead) and while i’m NOT very smart – or rather quick – I’m getting better all the time. I’m learning everyday and some of it seems almost useful sometimes. I’m also learning to have some structure and self motivation again.

I’m sure i’m where I suppose to be….but i’m not sure how long i’ll be here. *sigh*

Also, i’m learning to chant when the anxiety gets out of control….that’s a useful tool. Such as right now, i’m chanting “comparison is the thief of joy”

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